Image: Three white daisies in the grass. Photo by Dr. Lin
In addition to Adverse Childhood Experiences, some experiences such as the ones listed below may be affecting you as an adult, even if you recognize that parents or significant caretakers did the best that they knew at the time. Many of is know that our parents do love us. At the same time, many of our elders did not have the resources to be emotionally present with us when we were growing up. This could be due to their own experiences with oppressive systems or from their own parents/caretakers, poverty, gender socialization, and/or war that required their body and mind to prioritize survival and basic livelihood.
Many of us may not consider the below experiences as “traumatic,” yet such emotional disconnect and lacking that sense of emotional security or presence as a child from significant caretakers could shape our spirit well into adulthood, especially if they were repeated. You likely developed quite adaptive skills (e.g., working hard to achieve, turning to distractions or addictions, shutting down your connection to your own bodily sensations) to get through these childhood experiences. At the same time, these adaptive skills may not work as well in adulthood. You may notice relational challenges with peers, partner relationship, and/or authority figures, perhaps insecurities that started to impact your work, or you’re working way too much.
Before your 18th birthday:
- Did you often feel that at least one of your parents or your significant caretaker was not able to protect or lovingly connect with you?
- Did you often feel like you had to be the grown up or a caregiver yourself as a child or teenager?
- Did you often feel like one or both of your parents or your significant caretaker smothered or dominated you, or wouldn’t let you have your own interests or perspectives?
- Did you often feel like you were expected to be high-achieving, perfect “good” kid who make your parents proud, or you would be rejected, punished, shamed, or abandoned?
- Did you grow up feeling like you were an imposition or burden to a significant caretaker?
- Did a significant caretaker often fail to help you normalize, feel, and process difficult emotions?
- Did a significant caretaker get upset when you tried to pull away, rebel, or make your own choices?
- Did you often feel unsafe at home or in your neighborhood that you feel the need to hide or “stay below the radar”?
- Were you teased or targeted for your features or characteristics a few times, whether at school or at home?
- Were you often subjected to generalizations or assumptions that did not fit you as a person (e.g., gender expression, expectations based on your racial features, your body size, etc.)?
Adapted from Rankin, L. (2022). Sacred Medicine: A Doctor’s Quest to Unravel the Mysteries of Healing. Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True, Inc.
As a child, when we do not have a sense of security or know that there is an adult that we can rely upon or to instill that sense of being “seen,” it is not unusual that such child learns to be quite vigilant or on guard to protect themselves. Some learn to be perfectionist as an adult; some learn to become very planful and organized (to avoid any unpredictability or chaos that was so challenging as a kid); some learn to be very quiet, fade into the background, or hide and use distractive behaviors themselves so as not to trigger any disruption in an unsafe environment. These are all very adaptive responses in a child and helps one to survive disruptive and insecure environments. When these become the only go-to behavior as an adult across different situations, then it could create challenges in life.
If the above brings up some discomfort or if you resonate with any of these, please know that you are not alone! Adult children of developmental wounding may feel like others do not understand them, or they may not notice the connection to their developmental years. They may feel much loneliness in the world, or they may have a hard time building meaningful connections with others. Please know that you are a survivor and have some very adaptive and helpful skills. You may even be quite successful in your career! It would also be helpful to learn additional skills so that you could be more flexible in life’s various circumstances and relationships. Please also consider working with a professional to increase your mental health and flexibility.
Please feel free to reach out to Dr. Lin to set up an initial consult, if interested.
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